Tag Archives: advice

Chapter 6.

2 Jun

“you cant skulk around in Louboutins.”
They say that nightmares are the things that you subconsciously fear all through the day and they follow you in to your sleep. Most people dream of losing a loved one or of ghosts or monsters. One of my biggest fears is being the person I used to be. No matter how much you change you can’t stop your brain from telling you that you are still the same.
The real monsters are the voices inside you and they will destroy you if you pay attention to the things they say. I try to push them away but I still have days where I think I will always be the loser that no one likes. When I meet new people I am instantly sure that they know what I used to be like. I am convinced that they are looking at me thinking “she’s such a freak” or “she’s boring and ugly”. A simple glance from a stranger leaves me paranoid for hours. I guess I don’t truly think the disguise I have put up is strong enough to mask what I used to be like.
The nightmare I had the other day stemmed from a message an old friend sent. They were the one who turned everyone I had ever known against me. For days I thought about replying, sat organising my thoughts so I would know what to say, preparing stories of my life now to fill them in. Then I realised I couldn’t. It wasn’t an issue of forgiveness, my life is so much better without them. It was that I am a different person now. I couldn’t find one single thing to say to them, and I couldn’t have anyway. What if I slipped back in to the old me? The me who was so awful that they could be forgotten about in the space of a week even after being best friends for over ten year.
I feared that any kind of wall I had built up would crumble and I would be left feeling exactly how I used to. Scared, insecure and ugly. Looking fantastic isn’t a good enough defence. You need to have confidence in yourself as well. You need to be able to stand there looking decent and have a lifestyle you are proud of to back you up, that way you stand tall. After all, you cant skulk around in Louboutins.
You can have anything you dream of if you want it badly enough. I know this isn’t good advice but there is no better feeling in the world than proving someone wrong. Try it. Become everything you wanted and show it to the people who said you could never do it. It is made all the more sweet knowing they got nothing and still live at home whilst you live your dreams.
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